Being an educator, I like to stick to the school grades...
...A, B, C and D. You, on the other hand...
...should stay with the back 13, thin out the herd.
Thanks, Dad. I'm off the market right now.
I told you about this girl. You know, she...
The other night, we're making love...
...and we're just laying there afterwards and...
- Sharing the silence? - Yeah.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
"Making love"? What are you, Nora Ephron?
Is this some Redbook interview?
You sound like Liberace's stylist's boyfriend.
"Let's just enjoy the silences and the caprice together."
- I have no son. I have no son. - Dad, I dig this girl.
Good, keep talking. And while you're talking...
...there are cougars on my right who are clocking us.
- Can you listen? - Soon as you put on your safari hat...
...and grab your gun. - Dad, can you just stay here with me?
Of course I can, son.
Since you fucked my chances with the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting.
Not to mention the gay-caress maneuver for the hearing-impaired.
Can't you just be my Dad for five fucking seconds?
Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real father-son bullshit. Right this way.
That girl was dating Dusty, which means she's out of your league.
She was slumming it, Sherman.
"Now, the truth may set you free, but first it's gonna piss you off."
Gloria Steinem said that.
My son, the booty call.
Thanks for the advice, professor.
Shit.
That was insane.
It was insane, right?
It was...
Hey, can I have some of that?
Who's that guy?
That's Greg, he's an old friend.
Why?
Just I'm seeing, you know, his arm's a little low on your hip.
One of his hands is almost near your ass. You know, for a friend.
Did you guys ever hook up? Really?
You're not serious, are you?
No. No, I'm not serious at all.
- I mean, you're in a picture with him. - Oh, my God, you're serious.
Why don't we have a picture?
I don't know.
- I can fix that. That's easy. - No, no, no.
- No, no. I'm naked. I don't want... Tank. - Yeah. I know, I want that...
- Come here. You're pushing me. - Tank.
- I'm out of the bed. - I'm serious.
- Okay. - That hurt.
- I'm tired. - That really hurt.
Stupid idea. It's late.
I gotta work tomorrow.
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
You don't want me to stay tonight.
- I just sort of feel like it's... - Yeah.
Totally understandable.
Yeah.
Hi.
What happened to 8?
- Eight's good. - But you're an hour late.
Can we make it 9?
I thought you wanted to get drinks before dinner.
I did. And I did.
Well, I'm not getting in a car with you.
Like I tell my students, even one drink is one drink too many.
No vehicle necessary, teach. The place we're going is right here.
It's good. Let's go.
This is wrong.
Let's eat.
Right there.
I'm starving. I wanted to show you this too. Look, it's my new T-shirt.
"My cock plus your pussy equals..."?
- "Good times"? - That's it.
Welcome to Cheesus Crust, where pizza is a religious experience.
How can I ordain your order?
How is the Pizza of Nazareth?
People worship it.
- I'm deeply offended. - Me too.
These prices are outrageous.
Which is why I carry my Flavor Savior card.
Fifteen percent off, all who eat here religiously.
Do you think this is funny?
Good night.
- You people are sinners! - You should have thought of that...
...19 years ago before you stopped my mom from going into that clinic.
Have a blessed day.
Fastest ever.
Even Jesus had to eat.
- Don't. - It was a bad date.
Well, it was supposed to be a nice night out.
You know, my last boyfriend never took me anywhere.
Ever.
He'd text me late at night to come hang out at his place...
...like he was ashamed to be seen with me in public.
- Please don't cry. Wait. Please? - I'd make excuses for him, you know?
He's not using me, I'm using him.
- And I'm in total control... - Total control and it's not that serious.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
But when that phone rang...
...my heart leapt, and I was there. - Totally.
And now I finally get the chance to go out on a real date and it's with you.
- I know, that sucks. - No, you suck.
I do. I do suck.
I suck.
You must be hungry. Let's go eat.
My senior year, I take this girl on a date... Horrible, date from hell.
About a week later, this frat boy comes up and he says to me:
"Only you could make me look good."
All right? I laughed...
...until one of his buddies then came to me and was like:
"Can you help me with my ex?"
- Tank was born. - Yeah. Yeah, really.
- I'm sorry. - I understand.
But...
...do you enjoy it?
I'm good at it. I'm good at being an asshole.
It's what I do.
- You're like the anti-Cupid. - More like the Antichrist.
Sorry.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
You know, in a cruel, twisted way...
...you give couples a second chance.
You're a closet romantic.
- I don't know about that. - You are.
You know you have to confront this girl, Alexis.
I can't.
If you don't do this, she will never take you seriously.
You need to march up there and tell her how you feel.
Alexis.
Alexis, it's Tank.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna say this. I'm gonna say it.
If you value this, us, we...
...then you will let me take you on a proper date.
- In public. - It's 2 a.m. in the morning.
Can we do the proper date another time?
- Tomorrow. - Yes.
Proper date. In public.
- Get some... - Good night.
- Nice shirt.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
This is for you. Have to have a corsage.
Oh, my God.
- You gotta be kidding me. - No, I'm not.
I never went to prom.
I remember.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
She's got a shank. You might wanna actually focus on her.
- They're with me, okay? Thanks. - Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi.
Thank you.
You two kids have fun.
I'm having fun.
Let's set the stage here. You're 17 years old.
As you make the mistake of heading out onto the dance floor...
...a fine, young chap stops you on your way...
Strikingly handsome. Some would say ruggedly good-looking.
He stops you and says, "Excuse me, would you care to dance?"
- Don't tell me you dance. - Me?
Never.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. - That's it. That's all I've got, really.
No way.
For you.
- Let's go. - No, I can't...
You're making this embarrassing- myself-to-be-cute thing really difficult.
Look at this, check it out.
- Did you see that little move? - I saw it. I wanna see more over here.
I got caught up.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey.
Fun, huh?
Yeah.
You know you could have any girl out there, right?
Hey, dude, look at me.
Look at this.
It's not about what you look like, man.
It's right here, okay?
It's attitude, it's how you look at them. Pretend you don't give a shit...
...they will be on you like acne. Guaranteed or your money back.
So, then, like, why have you been such a kiss-ass to your girl all night?
Pulling out chairs, throwing out compliments.
I'm on a different plan. You're on a... What you... What l...
"Can I wipe your ass, baby?"
I was trying to help you, but fuck you.
Fuck you, you hypocrite.
"Hey nerd, let me give you some condescending advice."
Be cruel to women?
Fat, pathetic, sad dork.
- Old man at a high-school prom. - Husky bitch.
Don't get ahead of yourself here. And I'm just curious...
...but are you seeing anybody? - No.
No?
- Are you? - No.
What about that awkward night with that guy?
You still calling him?
He kind of disappeared.
I haven't heard from him since he quit.
Maybe you could call him. You know?
See how he's holding up kind of thing.
- What? - Or don't.
It's... It's your choice. I mean, I'm just saying...
- No, I know. It's sweet. - Polite.
Even if it is a part of your whole show that you've got going on tonight.
You're pulling out all the stops.
Sweet Tank. Sweet Tank is way into me.
You know what, though? You're right. I should call him.
I should call him.
I think I'll say good night.
- Yes, I will be going. - Wait, what?
Good night.
I got what I wanted. A real first date.
Although this may be the worst possible time to admit it...
...l'm not good at the no-sex thing. So I'll see you later.
Hey, if you insist on celibacy...
...do you think we can have our second official date on July 7?
Because my sister is getting married.
And it would be great...
...if you'd come with me.
Yes, I can do that. But I'm gonna walk away...
...because... - You're missing out.
After a while, crocodile.
You know, it was really cool of you to call, Alexis.
Lunch, wedding errands. Just like old times, huh?
I haven't seen you since I took my leave of absence from work.
Yeah, I heard you quit.
Oh, no, no, no, I just... I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical.
I just wanted to do some soul-searching.
- My sister picked it out. - Well, you should thank her.
- The whole world should thank her. - Well, you're welcome.
- Speaking of the devil. - Oh, my gosh.
I love it. I love it so much.
This is my friend, Dustin. This is my sister.
- Oh, hi. - No. Get over here.
- What? - Congratulations.
Alexis will not shut up about you, the wedding...
That was really smart. That was so smart, yeah.
See, I brought mine too. Hi.
It's really the only opinion that means anything these days.
Oh, my gosh.
You have to see my dress. Great, now.
- Yeah, I did it when... - Alexis, I'm sorry.
I'm the... I'm the dress-shopping gay pal?
I just think that now's not the time to set her straight.
She's a little crazy, she's manic.
I get that we're in slow-down mode...
...but I'm not gonna, like, meet your parents...
...under the pretext of the gay friend. I mean, that's ridic...
What? No, I don't mean "meet your parents" meet your parents.
I just mean at the wedding, I'm sure I'll casually bump into them...
- That's... What? - I'm sorry, excuse me one second.
- Dustin, you need to... - What? What?
Yeah, what? What is it? What? Is something wrong?
- Do you not want me to come? - You've got it all...
- You... You don't want me to? - Wrong.
Yeah, no. No.
- Totally. You know what? Sorry. - Dustin, I have to...
- That was presumptuous. - Promise me you won't be upset...
...if I tell you something. - Yeah, what?
I'm seeing somebody.
And so I asked him to come with me to the wedding.
- You're... You're upset. - No. What?
Upset? No. Why would I be upset?
Come on. That's crazy.
Like I'm a guy that gets upset. Come on. More like happy.
You know? I'm happy that... That, you know.
- That you found someone special. - It still feels a little short.
I still think that if you put the...
- So, dish. - I just wanna make sure my...
Who is he?
Yeah, I think that's too much shoe.
Man-ischewitz, Sherman, look at you.
You remind me of me on my wedding day.
I was one nasty son of a bitch.
- Dad, why did Mom marry you? - Who makes this tux? Versace?
- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad. - Where'd you get this tux?
- The black on black. - Come on, Dad, really.
Your mother was an incredible woman...
...but she had awful judgment.
She was always trying to find the better man inside me.
Unfortunately, she found him inside of her psychotherapist, Janine.
Not good.
See, I always knew that your mom was the best it was ever gonna get for me.
And I never asked the more important question, which is:
Was I the best it was ever gonna get for her?
You're not so bad, Pop.
I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah.
And I'm a selfish asshole.
And so are you.
So I want you to get out there...
...and I want you to revel in it.
- Oh, my God. - Hi.
- You are hot as a pistol. - You look handsome.
- No, you. I am very... - I am so impressed with you.
...impressed. You look beautiful.
- Do you like the red lipstick? - I wanna do you right here.
Okay, I gotta go... Josh.
My future brother-in-law. Josh, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank.
Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom...
...in today's performance of Fuck Me, I'm Getting Married.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go tame Bridezilla.
- You want me to come? Lex? - No, I'll look out for him. All right?
- Just breathe for a second, all right? - I am breathing.
Now adapt.
- Are we adapting? - Yeah.
Are we ready to evolve?
You let fly one word about our arrangement...
...I will crush your nuts into butter.
Like the kind at the health-food store, but not so good for you.
But... But, but...
...you play ball, I will plant your flag right next to mine. All right?
I will make you family. And believe me, Tank...
...you wanna be family.
- Money. - Jesus Christ.
Like, "money" money.
Old money, new money, fuck-me money, fuck-you money.
Family money, money.
Okay, yeah. Josh, you got me all wrong.
No. I know exactly who you are, all right?
It's Alexis who's got you all wrong.
Let's do what we do, brother. Hey, Merrilee.
- Brian. - Now, I've told you, fella...
...from here on out, it's strictly Mom and Dad.
I'd like to introduce you to your next son-in-law, Tank Turner.
This is Alexis' guy.
- I've heard so much about you. - That is unfortunate.
Forget it all.
- Tank. - Hi.
Tank Turner is an asshole.
- You brought Satan to my wedding? - Well, he's changed.
Or he's going to change. Or he's changing.
No.
I'm sorry, but that is not enough.
Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation on the dark side...
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, I'm falling in love with him.
What?
I love him.
- Hey, so... - So many things that I want...
Oh, come here.
- I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving. - Go.
Are you the best it's ever gonna get for her?
Are you?
If anyone here can show just cause why these two should not be joined...
...let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
White dress.
Chick's seen more dick than this guy.
Ridonculous.
I've been wanting to come over here because I was reminded of a joke.
A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding. Who knew?
And they see a small boy bending over to tie his shoe.
So the priest says to the Rabbi:
"God, I'd really love to screw that kid."
And then the Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
It's a visual thing, because the kid is basically like this.
He's bending over.
Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this.
While you're giving it to your lady from behind, okay?
Very important. You gotta be behind her.
Start making some sounds like you're gonna bust...
...then you pull out.
As you pull out, you let a little dribble of saliva trickle down...
...onto the small of her back. She thinks it's over, she flips over:
"Good, I can go to sleep."
Fireman's hose. All over.
- I don't get it. - You don't get it?
Here's what you're gonna do. Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound.
Ready, and wow.
It's like lifting a coffin.
Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina.
Hello? Yeah, I can talk.
- You weren't gonna drink. - Can't have a glass...
...to celebrate the holy sacrament?
- Is that Jägermeister I smell? - I don't know.
Wine, huh?
- No. - Don't get into any trouble.
- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing. - Don't get into any trouble.
For their first dance as a married couple...
...l'd like to present to you Rachel and Josh.
Sorry.
Can I have this dance?
Not a good time? Okay.
Sorry, everybody. This is their night. I'll clean that up. It's the chicken.
The bride and groom.
I'm gonna grab these. Clean. I washed them after I threw up.
How are you? There's a lot of talent here tonight, okay?
Lookit, lookit that one right over there. Check out the lungs on that one.
That's Rachel's cousin. She's 15.
She's gonna be a scuba diver when she grows up.
Not that you don't have some stuff going on.
I'd part you like the Red Sea and let you call me Moses.
I would open you up like a public pool on Memorial Day.
Three words:
Let's eat.
It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it.
Usually they come in twos and threes, so that's...
Cocaine, you know, just kind of gets me sneezy.
And you, by the way, look lovely. I just wanted to...
...say a hello to you.
All right.
Weddings get me hot and hard, know what I'm saying?
What do you got going on?
I want that in my fucking mouth.
When's the last time you shit your pants?
- Today. Today. - You shit your pants today?
- I shit my pants yesterday. - Today!
- Me, today. - Just a little. But not a whole shit.
Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me to look for you, so let's go.
Let me just take a snapshot of you in my mind right now.
Gross. Fuck, I can smell you from here, dude.
- How drunk are you right now? - I had massive amounts of alcohol.
I'm embarrassed. But I'm sobering up now...
...and I feel better. Having a little chat.
With my friend. Taking a breather. Breathing.
Fucking goddamn it. What do you call that shit, A. J?
Afghani-Kush Kryptonite.
Kryptonite. It killed Superman. I'm just a man.
You really are, like, a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?
I ride the special-kind-of-asshole bus.
- Do you really? - All right. Okay.
- One more bite. - What are you doing?
Alexis is gonna freak out when she sees this.
- No she won't. - Yeah. Yeah.
- She's understanding. - Oh, my God, dude.
- She's never gonna forgive you. - All right. I'm coming. I'm coming.
- What a day. - Yeah.
May I partake?
My daughter got married today.
- Wonderful. - Oh, God, I feel old.
I bet back in the day, you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie.
You bet your sweet ass I was.
Hey. I love your shoes.
So are we gonna do this or what?
Come on, it's not gonna suck itself, Mama.
Oh, my God.
Who is this guy?
And he's ruining my entire wedding.
He ruined my dance, my actual dance.
No, it's ruined. And... Why did you bring him here?
It's disgusting.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me? - He really?
I got a bass-ackward way of showing it, but I care about you.
Tank. Tank! How could you?!
My ex, Sarah. Cunt.
Oh, no. You're not gonna walk away from me.
You're gonna talk to me. This is insane.
Who is that person, huh? Who is that guy?
This is me. I'm an asshole.
You had your chance with a good guy and you threw it away.
- Who? - Dustin.
- You have no right to tell me... - No, Dustin. Dustin's here.
Dustin. Dustin?
- Dustin? - Be careful.
Tank!
It's time you all knew the truth.
Would you stop? If I go down, you're coming with me, okay?
Okay? So I'm sure every...
Don't touch.
I would like to share something with you about Mr. Tank Turner.
Surely by now he's charmed his way into your hearts... Stop.
Charmed his way into your hearts but I've got something to tell you.
Tank Turner is a fraud.
Okay? Why don't you take a walk with me?
- Hey! Come with me, okay? - Dustin.
Would you guys like to know what this man...? Excuse me.
- What this man does as a hobby? - Stop.
- You stop! You stop! Okay? - Please.
- Hold on. - I'm sorry.
Let's say, for example...
...I get dumped by my girl.
And I want to pay him to go out with her...
- Oh, boy. ...terrorize her...
...and have her come screaming back into my arms.
So your Mr. Perfect...
Your Mr. Perfect...
...is actually Mr. Asshole- Dickhead-Shitface-Guy, okay?
Alexis, l... l... I loved you so much.
I did. And I just, I couldn't bear to lose you...
...and so I made a deal with the devil.
That's what I did. Which is pathetic.
- I'm a pathetic fool. - Yeah, okay.
- But... But what does that make him? - Okay, stop. Stop it.
Just tell me this isn't true.
Ask him.
- Baby, sorry. - You make me sick.
- Ask him. - I hate you.
- Ask him. - I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna kill you!
- I work on referrals. - Okay.
You're honestly gonna tell me...
...that you and I, that's nothing?
That's nothing?
I'm just a job?
I need you to tell me. Tank, tell me right now...
...that I'm just a job.
- Tell me to my face. - You're just a job.
Just a job.
I never wanna see you again.
Yeah.
Alexis. Alexis.
I'm gonna kill you!
Motherfucker.
You have one new message.
Dust, you were right.
Alexis is an angel...
... and she deserves the best.
And that's you. So I'm sorry it took so long...
... but I finally did what you hired me to do.
I got a bass-ackward way of showing it, but I care about you.
Tank. Tank! How could you?!
My ex, Sarah. Cunt.
Did you love her?
Do you love her? That's all I wanna know.
I don't even know what that means.
Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I.
All I know is that me and her ends up with her hurt.
It's inevitable.
Turners and women, right, Pop?
Yeah.
I banged a lot of women, Sherman.
I've been banging since back in the day...
...when you were laminating pictures of them.
So, yeah, that's me.
That's this guy, but that ain't you. No.
Last night, you proved something that I have long feared.
And that is...
...you may just take after your mother.
Yeah, I can't believe you actually tried to give Alexis up for me.
I know, dude.
- That's pretty fucked up, right? - Yeah.
I mean, if that's not love...
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry. I'm the guy who...
You were my best friend.
I still am.
You guys gonna make out now, huh?
Go ahead, stick your tongue in his mouth. That'll clear the air.
How about a?
Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while, but now I'm seeing things clearly.
You need to get her back.
- But I don't deserve her. - No, you... Tank.
If you were willing to give her up, you deserve her.
That's fucked up, but you're right.
She's my angel and it's time she knew.
Yes. So, what's stopping you?
I propositioned her mother for a blowjob.
Man, that is great.
That is so great. Yes.
Alexis! Alexis, wait.
Alexis.
Just hear me out, all right? Listen.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I did it for you.
I pushed you away because I thought I didn't deserve you.
- You don't. - So I made a mistake.
- Many. - I know.
- I will never do better than you. - I know.
- I need you in my life. - I know.
- And I wanna apologize. - I don't want it.
Good, because it's not for you.
I wanna apologize to myself.
I'm sorry, Tank, that you blew it with Alexis.
- But you did. - Because I thought you deserved...
...someone better than me.
But when I'm with you, it's like I'm better than me.
You're the only person that could ever make me do cardio. And I hate cardio.
I wanna faint, I want a cigarette and I have a massive cramp.
But I would run a marathon for you.
- Okay. - Fuck me.
You ruined my sister's wedding.
But I saved her life. That guy was a fucking fuckface.
- You curse incessantly. - I will never swear again.
Fuck. Last one.
- My parents hate you. - Well, they'll come around.
Except your mother.
And your dad.
- Your job is a joke. - A joke? I sell air.
I do the impossible every day.
Have you ever even read a book?
The Giving Tree.
- And? - Among others. Countless others.
- Tank. - I'll join a book club.
What's the matter? You can't keep up?
You are not passionate about anything.
Except you. I'm passionate about you. As evidence, consider the fact...
...that I've been running for two goddamn hours.
- I need to stop and rest. - You sabotage dates.
You're a professional asshole. That's what you do.
No. It's what I did.
Tank, I just don't think you're the one.
Not yet, but I'll get there.
You okay?
Without air, we cannot live.
I think those words resonate with people...
...because they're really true, you know?
What?
I thought... I thought that was a joke.
- It wasn't. What are you talking about? - Nothing.
Air?
Because I don't really think there's anything funny about air.
It's kind of too important.
Asshole.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I'm Alexis. - Hi.
Do you wanna know what this guy did? He humiliated me.
- He embarrassed me. He literally... - Alexis.
I'm having a conversation.
It's with her, it's not with you.
What this guy did to me makes me sick every day.
Physically ill.
But is that like lovesickness or like hatesickness?
- No, it's like morning sickness. - What?
Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay? So I'm sorry.
It makes me a little emotional.
- You're pregnant? - Yes, I'm fucking pregnant!
I probably should go.
But how? It's...
How do you think?
That's right, everybody.
This asshole got me pregnant.
- I definitely think I should go. - Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know.
If you think that's bad...
...you should hear what this guy did to my sister.
- Alexis, I've apologized a million times. - He got her pregnant too.
So there's two of us having a baby together...
...about three and a half weeks apart.
- Yeah. - It was dark, I was drunk...
...and I thought it was you.
Right?
I'm gonna go now. It was nice meeting you.
Yeah, nice to meet you too.
What's going on here?
Oh, I'm just saving another girl...
...from the worst sex she'll ever have in her life.
Well, your mother never complained.
You wanna know why I didn't return your e-mails?
Your pathetic calls?
You are unattractive. I said it.
I'm not attractive. Well, let's put it this way.
I would kick your ass right now, but my foot might get sucked in.
I'd kick your dick right now, but my foot might get herpes.
Well, you know, you can stop trying to be clever, Alexis.
The funniest thing that'll ever come out of you is me.
All right, Tank.
You got the best joke here.
And it's in your pants.
- I hate you. - I hate you too.
Oh, baby.